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Introduction
I am I...
Do not change me
Condemn me, nor put me down.
Accept me for what I am.
No...you need not agree with me
But accept me.
For I am total in being.
I have my Faults, I have my guilts
But that is who I am.
Perfect I will never be.
Allow me to be uninhibited.
Do not pressure me into feeling
What I do not feel.
Accept me when I am flying high
As I have accept you
When you wee flying high.
Do not put me down...
Nor make me feel unhappy about me.
I am I...
And I like being what I am...
Me.
Welcome to my world of thoughts.
Fears
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
1:37 PM
I used to have alot of fears, for example liked fear of being rejected, fear of hurt, fear of being alone, etc. But today, there is currently one fear in my mind - fear of dying.
Today's weather was extremely hot but around 1.45pm the sky turning black and i guessed it was going to have a big big rain. It's good as the weather is super hot liked there no water moisture in the air. Nowdays, many people were having fever and the danger of having fever is u might think u will be having dengue fever.
For the past few days, i am facing a mental and physical stress. Ever since last friday, i felt cold and i shivered for the whole night, i thought it's just a normal fever, so i kept quiet and ate pandol, hoping that the next day i will get well and able to go out meet him. But unfortunately, my nightmare had come. Saturday was the worst of the worst day, i kept puking as i ate too many pandol and my tummy cant take the taste of the stupid medcine. Once i saw the plain porridge and tried to force myself to ate, i went to puke. Whatever i ate or drank, it taste bitter. Sunday i getting better but fever was still there. But i managed to have a better appitite and able to feel that i am hungry i need food. That's good.
On monday the fever still went up, my mum brought me to see the doctor and the doctor asked me the next day to have a bloodtest to see dengue anot. On tuesday the result say no dengue but the doctor said if the fever still continue till thurday, i have to take a bloodtest again. So sad, i dunwan to get dengue or other diseases. I dont want go back to the hospital and suffer again.
Today, when i wake up i felt like i am really a zombie. My body was like jellyfish, my head at times will be pain or giddy and i felt so hot. I keep wanting to sleep and sleep. I scared i sleep le and never wake up le :( *Touch Wood* I dont feel that i am hungry. Out of sudden, i getting weaker. i wish tonight or tomorrow i will get well. i dont want to do bloodtest again or see the doctor. It's so sickening.
Just now while i trying to get to sleep, i am having daydreaming. If i die, i will be every sad as alot of things i haven do. But if i die, i requested my mum to have a black coffin for me and i will be wearing a black dress. Just like the mtv helena! i guess i watch too much helena mtv. But i also love black. My soul will be wondering to my family dreams and his dream, telling how much i miss them. I recalled that i told him tell all my friends to come for my funeral. During the day, due to the coffin too small, where the hell i put my bear and doggy :( I think they burn it and put into a mini bottle and just place beside me. Or only photos of em. Haha. Suddenly, while everyone praying for me, my soul was crying. I remebered a movie said that ghost's tear mean reborn. I cried and i place the tear on my dead body. And i revived, not as a human but a vampire who only ate fruits. So strange!!!!!!! I think i'm going insane and i watched too much shows and read too much stories. Lol
When i started to fall asleep, i dreamt of i am living in my old house @ sgoon which my bed room is my current room. I cant really remember but i saw my old bed room. I remember entering my parents bed room and saw a tv, a vcd player with many trays of vcd, a music player and 2 tall stand of bookmarks. The height is up to the ceiling. At first i nvr notice it cause i wanted to watch the show while i lying on my mum bed. But i dont like the show, so i went to off it. I used the remote to off it but it cant. So i thought of walking towards it n press the manual button. But there so many buttons where to off it. So i aga aga press a switch but i nvr off it. So i press another switch. This switch was power sia. It auto hide the player and the vcd rack turn 90 degrees and cover everything. That when i realize the tall stand of bookmarks. Wah sooooooo adorable le but is my brother one. I also wanted to get one so i decided to ask my brother. Then i went to my old bedroom and saw a shelves of softoys! Different soft toys and the which patterns have a few of it. Wah i play with it and i ask my brother how much he bough it. He told me the soft toys 8 bucks and the bookmarks also 8 bucks. Then i wake up liao. STrange dream. I guess i really going crazy. @_@
Béseme... Toqúeme... Siéntame ®
